Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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