I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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