i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
