Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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