I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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