I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
