maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
