He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
