You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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