Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
