I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
