i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
