Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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