On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
