I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I will be naked everywhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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