Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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