I'm eating all of the evidence.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
