First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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