Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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