Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
