need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
