Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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