She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
