I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
