It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
