did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
