I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
