pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
