I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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