I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
