I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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