Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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