good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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