I seem to have left my pride at pride
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
