South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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