At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
