Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
