The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
