I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
