2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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