What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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