I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
