I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
