I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
