just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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