i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
