Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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