the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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