We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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