My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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