thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
